Causative.

I don't love them enough. Hence I should not expect them to love me as much.

---

It's somewhat caustic to me to not have somebody to love. Somewhat.

Ergo, ergo, ergo?

I have a Fear of Loneliness.

Left and Right I look, People just have that Little More than I do.
A Little More than I can, a Little More than I can have.

I try to pretend I am not, but I truly am. Yes, Envious.

I Liked to Think, and Thought a lot.
'Hey, maybe it's a Problem with Myself! Let's try to Change That!'

I Headbutt myself into the Lives of Others, showing little Concern to the Gazes and Stares.

But with much Caution, Conscious of my own Conscience.

Taking Bullets, breaking Bullets, and reassembling Bullets.

Yet, Slaying the Bull yielded no Beef in The End.
It lies Deeper, Darker than where I can Peer.
With more Danger, Despair than I can Bear.
With Doubt, that I can last another Bout.

I came Back to You, whose benign Love is akin to a Phoenix.

Reborn when Dead, and Rejuvenated when Exhausted.

Refilled when Dried, and Replenished when Extracted.

Inexorable.

But nonetheless Ephemeral...


Ergo, I will not Stop:

I will Continue to Seek,
And Cull my Weak.

Down but up soon.

Yes Life, you've knocked me down. But no, you don't get to win. I'll get up now, and I'll definitely kick you in the ass.

Vision of Love

I realised.

I just really like people. : )

Down, down in an earlier round.

Dear Autumn: For the best part of my life, all the girls I've liked have never liked me. Maybe you'll be the first!

Here's an 'I love you' in advance.

Awaiting the day the Robin sings once more.

A new year arrives. 

Unfinished stories will continue and new prologues will sound.

Having just about finished carving words into the epitaph of 2009, I just can't help buy ponder, what would 2010 bring about?

As per the usual protocol, here's a new year's resolution list.

1. Smile more.
2. Sleep more.
   
3. Sleep earlier.
4. Use the computer less.
5. Be nicer to people around me.
6. Treat people rightly despite whatever aura they may exude and whatever my first impression about them is.
7. Be more hardworking.
8. Improve relationships.
9. Give as good as I get.
10. Make others smile more.
    

2010, bring it on!

It's just the beginning but I think I've already found the Quote of the Year:

Jinwai: EH HUAJIE I THINK YOUR DICK IS ON MY DICK!

Thanks For The Memories

I love school. 

Simply put, I thoroughly enjoyed my five year tenure here.

But it's gonna end soon. 

What a shame.

Thus... Without further ado...

Sentimental Picture Time!

KRS:

Greens:

Choir:

Drums: 

Basketball:

And pretty much all my friends:

Thanks for the memories.

Maybe, soon, there'll be nothing but empty chairs in those great halls. Remnants of what have happened in the past and a sign of what to expect from the future.

But I'll take heart, knowing how merry and gay this place used to be - and that I was part of it. :)

It's been an entertaining and exciting adventure from day one to the very end - It was one hell of a ride.

... Even so, all that remains are only memories embedded in pictures.

Just like faint footsteps fading into an ephemeral evanescence. 

It's time to turn the page soon.

Here's to the new chapter being even better! :D

(all your fault, shing.)

Stories.

Just how many times do we put on a fake smile in a day?

Hiding behind this facade. Not wanting to be bad. Not wanting to be disliked.

Just how many times to we have to put up with lying in a day?

Without feeling any guilt. To others. To our ownselves.

Brilliant days are numbered. 

True warmth is ephemeral. 

And thus, let us all treasure it.

...

And through it all, the rise and fall...

Life is kind.

And The Stars Shine.

I saw the Summer Triangle this morning. 

I think.

White Lies.

Sometimes I really wonder which words are true and which words are for show.

Just how many times can you possibly lie in one conversation?

---

Ever wondered how many lies you've told in a day?

It doesn't have to be conscious, or on purpose. It could be subconsciously, unknowingly or accidentally. But nonetheless, it's a lie. Nothing malignant, nothing vile, nothing mischievous. But still a lie.

Things like...


'Hey I'll be right back.' And you disappear.

'Mmh, I'll talk to you later.' Uhh really?

'Ugh, I don't know how to do this.' Or are you just lazy?

'Ah, I have to go to the toilet.' Or are you just wandering around and loitering?

'I have to go now!' Or are you just tired of talking?

'Sorry, I have to sleep, I'm not feeling well.' Or are you just not focused?

'I told you yesterday, remember? Or maybe something got mixed up.' Oh really?

'I'm fine, really.' Are you?

'I'm feeling really really good!' Are you?

'I haven't been well.' Or are you seeking attention?

'It's too unfair.' Or are you playing victim?

'I can't, I'm busy.' Or do you just not want to?

'It's out of my ability.' Or is it out of your voluntariness?


Many times, we just get caught up in situations like this. We want to get out of situations, and be elegant doing so, instead of running clumsily for it.

I'm certainly not blameless myself. But really sometimes I get a little annoyed when people say things I know they are unlikely to do.

Everybody wants to be nice and it's troublesome. We hate to be mean and we have to veil our meanness by saying something nice. To achieve that, we inevitably lie. Even without malice.

Such a mad, mad world, huh?


----


I think that fella respects me.
I'm not surprised. A lot of people do.
!
Just so you know!
:D:D:D

See that line? You never should have crossed it.

A good measure of his personality can be sensed from his first meeting with Stella. Noctis hides his shyness underneath a façade of coolness in front of him, which creates a cold and unsociable impression. However, he smiles and acts more openly around his friends, a testament to Nomura's statement that "[Noctis] is not the least bit a silent, gloomy little boy."


Hmmmmmmmm.

... Shall not have any idiosyncrasies.


---


Had a long chat with a friend last night.

Even though I was the one that was supposed to help and give advice, I (perhaps accidentally) ended up talking a lot of sense that could be applied even to myself.


Things aren't really what they seem to be sometimes.
We're not really as strong as we'd like to think sometimes.
Yet the contrary is also true.
We're not really as weak as we sometimes think we are.

However content we are with running away, it just isn't the way to solve problems.

The world around us more or less affects what we do and what we are.
Conversely,
What we do and what we become affects the world around us.
So perhaps a little tweak to ourselves can actually help change things around us that we don't like... Hmmm?

It's only ever 'you against the world' when you don't let anyone else come into your life to help.


"Pain for me is fine, I don't want to hurt anyone else."

Hahaha, some kind of martyr my friend is.


---


Holiday time is also pimple raising and eyebags growing time! Sadly, it's infinitely true and I already have plenty.

Sleep so late some more la.

Back to School.

Headed back to good ol' Damansara for reunion dinner. Not a lot of people that I don't get to meet much nowadays turned up, sadly. So didn't get to catch up with anyone much, only Andrea I guess, and she's not even my ex-classmate, lol!


That's me and sze being lazyworms! Heh. Talked with many teachers, and generally met quite a few people, though mostly juniors. I guess it's true that people's affinity towards their alma mater slowly fade with time. :|

Where's your sense of belonging!

The seniors didn't turn up but quite a good deal of the younger ones turned up. Was still relatively fun to watch the changes in people though. :D

And... After yesterday, I can safely conclude that Wai Seng is damn pat and Andrea is damn sampat.

=="

Cheerio.

Melodies of Life.

Seventeen years feels like a long time.

Yet it's scary how little we know of.

There is just so much more out there in Life for you to stay grounded.

World, I am setting off to know you now.

There's nothing to hide from and no place to hide.
Just lift your chins up and make that stride.

There are some days where tears will be shed.
And some that will paint the skies and the Earth red.

But through it all.
The rise and fall.

I'll be the muse and the bard of my life.
Singing and whistling through all my strife.

This is the story of my life.

.... Err sorry feeling a little poetic today.

Tears and Rainbows

Pfft, to think that just one month ago I was on such a high after Dee's party and LOUD!

Now everything is gone! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! This desolation is slowly gnawing away my sanity! I'm gonna 'JUMP!' since '...THERE'S NOTHING TO LOSE.' Goodbye! :(


Ooh wait, there's Arsenal tonight! :D

---

September beckons. Must start on good note.

*Marks September as Happy Month.*

Hmmm... A friend's birthday lies in the month of September. I asked her what present would she like to have. And hearing my August woes, she said she wants me to have a happy September! Aww?

Being such a good friend I have to oblige kan? Especially if it's something that only I can do wei!

Thus I shall begin Mission September! :D

First and foremost, must mengucapkan beribu-ribu kata-kata thank you yang tidak berbelah bahagi to my park buddies white, black and yellow for hearing me out and listening to my unamusing musings that amusingly, fail to amuse or provide amusement to unamused people even if said very amusingly and with an intent to amuse. :(

Sad kan? It makes me feel like this sometimes:



Why can't they be amused! T__T


Despite that, do not fret! I am on my way to becoming a fat and proper person. (Err... Wait a minute, something doesn't sound quite right here.)

Anyways, I'm already half way to re-becoming a fat and proper person, I just need to get back to being proper, the other half has already been accomplished with distinction! Whoopie! :D


So here's a checklist of what I need to do....

1) Listen to some "I Feel Pretty!"
2) Study about our glorious Malaysia's glamorous past.
3) Prove that E=mc^2 is actually Einstein = Mong Cha Cha.
4) Do a lot of add math!
5) Remember what being human is like!
6) And don't suffer any knee-jerk effects that I read about in Bio!


So... just six pretty simple tasks la! :D

Should be alright by September!



Watch me run.

Rewrite.

I've decided.

It'll remain in memories.

Foresight I have none.

But I think it's right.

Forward.

The Life of A Fighter.

Imagine this:

You're a gladiator.

You walk into the arena, anxious, but prepared to face your opponent.

After a long wait, he (got female gladiator one ah? ==") finally appears.

"Intimidating indeed." You thought to yourself after hearing the whispers about him.

But, you're not going to go down without a fight, no?

Staring eye to eye, you two walk in circles with a constant locus from one another.

And soon, the majestic gong sounds, signifying the start of a battle.

Blows were exchanged. Every single one fierce and violent, but all missed, were dodged or were blocked.

You were holding up pretty well.

But as time went on, you realized you were losing ground.

Your opponent is faster, stronger and more agile.

His technique is more refined and his reflexes are instinctive.

You were left chasing shadows, barely even evading his attacks, let alone going on the offensive.

And not long after that. He landed his first blow - A fierce swipe from his blade.

It hurt.

It hurt extremely badly.

You were already fighting a losing battle, but now, with this injury, wouldn't it be impossibility?

Your body was bleeding profusely, but your mind was sane.

Your survival instincts were tingling, as if requesting you to retreat and surrender.

'Save yourself!' It whispered.



What would you do?

Would you cower and retreat? Surrender and save your soul? Pull out and let your pride as a fighter get tarnished, but survive, live to fight another day? Give up on the treasure that is on offer for the victor and to avoid the undoubted pain that will come?

Or would you press on despite knowing the odds are stacked against you? Persevere despite the excruciating pain inflicted upon you, hoping that an opening, however unlikely, will eventually appear and take your chance, and risk facing pain, malice, mischief, despair and sorrow on the last throw of the dice, all for the treasure that might change your life and end your imprisonment as a gladiator?

They say pride is utterly worthless and that your own life is your greatest treasure.

What says you?

---

"Ignorance is bliss."

Sadly you just don't have ignorant bone in you. You like to guess and you're quite good at it. But sorry, sometimes that bit of intelligence brings you more sorrow than joy.

"Simpletons lead peaceful lives."

Go back to your peaceful slumber, kid.




........



Goddamn August.

Take Me to Your Heart.

Hmmm, it seems that August is Doomsday Month of 2009.

Everywhere I go, it's Doom and Gloom.


For example:

---

I wake up in the morning, there was no electricity.

Doom and gloom.

I proceed downstairs and turn on my computer. Then I remember there was no electricity. I beremo-emoan and stare at the black empty monitor.

Doom and Gloom.

I got back upstairs to sleep. Remembered there was no electricity, and thus there was no fan. So hot!

Doom and Gloom.

I went to prepare some Milo, poured the powder, poured the hot- wait it's not hot! No hot water.

Doom and Gloom.

I go to the toilet. Had a good time sitting down there. And when I felt relieved, I looked to the right. OH MY GOD THERE WAS NO TOILET PAPER!

Doom and Gloom.

(Remind me again why this reminds me of the 'wash your hands too' song? Hahahahha!)

But there's a silver lining to every cloud! I got to study (!!!) since there was no electricity-supplied appliances to distract me! Whoopieeee!

.... Oddish, Gloom, Vileplum and Bellosom.

---

.... Just kidding, the stories above were fiction.

But reaaaally, why is there a dark cloud hovering above August?

Everyone seems to be troubled in one way or another. (Myself very much included, sadly.)


Despair is very much like a whirlpool or quicksand.
The longer you get stuck in it, the deeper trouble you're in.
Thinking sorrowfully only brings about even more sorrowful thinking.
The more 'sorry-s' you give yourself, the sorrier you'll feel.

You have to take control of your life and its troubles!
You have to make an effort to rise beyond the sadness and release yourself, not dwell on the past and drown yourself.
Think deeply, is it worth continuing being sad? Life goes on, man!
Since you've had some bad days, why not lets just try to make the coming days happy days!


There's a silver lining to every cloud.

I've had some torrid time for a few days now, but I think I'm slowly regaining my balance.

You can do it too!


So please ah people. August has claimed enough victims liau.

Please be:

"WAH TODAY SUNSHINE SO BRILLIANT! GONNA BE GOOD DAY MAN! LETS JOM BERSERONOK! I AM THE PAPA OF ALL HAPPINESS! ^^V"

Instead of:

"Oh my, the weather is vegetably and horribly terrible today. The painful, cruel UV-rays are striking against my skin. Those violent things. Ah, I better hide in my house."

And not like this too:

"OH DEAR GOD, I'M GONNA DIE. THE SUNSHINE, IT'S AN INVITATION TO HELL, THE BURNING RAYS.... I KNOW IT! YOU'RE THRUSTING ME TO THE ENDLESS VOID OF DESPAIR! SO CRUEL THAT YOU USE SUCH A ILLUMINATING LIGHT AS A FACADE TO LURE ME INTO THE BLAZING DEPTHS OF HADES! NO WAY! me gonna go emo first. ciao."


Please la, how old are you? 17?

... Oh, I am.


---


Hmmm, it somehow feels like I didn't write this.... :(

Goddamn August.

---

And 'light bulb' ah, don't worry, it's okay. Actually it's thank you.

If you weren't there, we wouldn't have been able to see each other la.

Since we two so black!

Hahahahha. Cheerio. : )

Growing up.

Who I am hates who I've been, and long will that continue as I grow older.

I've been reading some of my old posts. While I recognize my quirky self in them, I sometimes wonder if I really behaved and talked like that in the past?

In hindsight, many of the things I used to hold with high importance now seem childish and foolish. It leaves me noticing that our understanding of the world and its people really scales with maturity.

Perhaps many years from now, or even just next year, I'll look back to past posts and ponder the same thing, thinking how inappropriate some of the things I've said/did are.


---


But growth is a gift from God.

All humans are endowed with it. You and I are no different.

We grew from oblivious infants to energetic children to youthful teenagers and someday we'll grow into elegant ladies and charming gentlemen before finally settling in the role of the doting parents, helping our children grow just as our parents did for us.

And the way we think and our perspective consistently varies as we grow up.


---


Really though, the above is just food for thought.

Do not dwell and mull over it for too long.

The important thing is living in the moment.

The time will come when we are fathers and mothers and grandfathers and grandmothers.

But for now, don't think too far ahead and just live your life as a teenager exploding with youth, exuberance and energy!

After all, time never returns, now's the only chance to live a precarious (and preferably proper) teenage life!

:)


Live life!

Got To Open My Eyes to Everything.

I always get good dreams (possibly thanks to my imagination and creativity).

And it really sucks to wake up to life sometimes.


---


You can dream all you want.

But one day you have to come back down to earth.

Life is not a dream.

Dreams will always be better than life.

But unfortunately, we live in life, not dreams.

Idealism is the painter of a prettier picture.

Realism is the merciless truth of the world.

And in truth, I hate this world we live in.

Yet, I am an idealist who aspires to change the world.



---


Pameran Kerjaya is full of shit. I don't want to elaborate. It makes me boil over.


---


Thank you to the three stooges for trying to cheer me up today.

The weird lala cheerleader, the annoying black kid and the geeky girl.

:)


---


I hate how tactless I can be sometimes.

Generations.

It seemed like just yesterday, I would be the one eagerly anticipating the shout of the commander and line up steadfastly in our lines.

It seemed like just yesterday, I would be the one who was on the ground, laying prone on the ground, accepting punishment, until the commander shouted 'UP!'

It seemed like just yesterday, I would be the one standing in front of the stage, singing to the song loudly, and proudly.

It seemed like just yesterday, I would be happily clutching my badge, basking in the success of promotion.

It seemed like just yesterday, I would be listening quietly to the instructions of my seniors, awaiting their orders.




But that was 'yesterday'. Today, is a different day.

A different reign comes with a different leader.

Different ideas rise up to replace obsolete ones.

That, is 'Generations.'




Today, I'm a different person.

Today, I am the one who signals for them to queue up.

Today, I am the one who punishes and the one that shouts 'UP!'

Today, I stand atop the stage, leading them in the song.

Today, I am the proud senior giving out the badges to the up and coming youngsters.

Today, I am the planner, distributor and executor.




Growth is an amazing thing.

I'm not here to boast or anything.

But for those who doubt yourself.

Stop. You'll never know where you'll be in a few days, let alone a few years.

Have faith in yourself and press on.

One day, you'll climb to the top.