Guy Stuff

The whole thing was copied from my friend, Siu Hau, who in turn copied it from somewhere else. Quite agreeable.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Some guy stuff :P

Came across this while I was drinking kopi and eating pasta. :)

Guys hate sluts even though they have sex with them!
(oh yeah..you're not "popular" if you've slept with more than 5 guys..you're a HOE)

--"Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone.

--Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.

--Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes.

--Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.

--Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him.

--Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are
method.

--A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.

--Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved.

--Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend.

--Guys get jealous easily.

--Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think.

--Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

--Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.

--Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway.

--Girls are guys' weaknesses.

--Guys are very open about themselves.

--It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long.

--Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.

--If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

--A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

--Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships.

--Guys will brag about anything.

--Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot.

--Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant.

--Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused.

--Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships.

--Try to be as straightforward as possible.

--A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up.

--If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

--No matter how much guys talk about asses and boobs, personality is key.

--Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.

--Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped.

--If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside.

--When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that.

--When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me."

--Guys don't really have final decisions.

--If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

--If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you.

--When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something.

--Guys like femininity not feebleness.

--Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.

--A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.

--Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily.

--Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much.

--Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys.

--Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more.

--Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

--A guy would give his left nut to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.

--No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it.

--Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us.

--We don't like girls who are too skinny.

--We love it when girls talk about there boobs.

--Always make sure you know what kind of stuff your getting into before making out with a guy ...like wheather it's a one time deal or not ....

--Believe it or not shy guys are the most easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and unoticable tell them about yours...

--When a guy hits your butt it means that he wants you sexually

--Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs..

--Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts...

--Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times.

--When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried.
Told Pippin it would be all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.
Did I say that out loud?


Day Three:
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.
Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. and another one.

Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.
Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.


Day Four:
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.


Day Five:
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.
Gandalf no fun at all.
*sulk*


Day Six:
Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his fingers are all wrinkled.
Decided not to tell him about all the baths.


Day Seven:
Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.
Mr. Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!
Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.


Day Eight:
Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.
Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt Lobelia.
Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small men in shorts.


Day Nine:
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Ten:
V. dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit.
Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in wordily ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.
Ick.


Day Fifteen:
Lothlorien v. pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo left, right and center.
Pippin agrees.

Told Pippin height difference would make relationship impossible.
Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.
Hate Pippin.


Day Twenty-Two:
Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.
Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.


Day Twenty-Three:
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr.Frodo. Got shot down of course (hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself.
Claims was trying to take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a big fib don't we.


Day Twenty-Four:
Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.
Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah!

Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.
We will see about that.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS:

Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap.
Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.
Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine.


Day Three:
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.


Day Four:
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.
Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.


Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.
He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.
Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.
Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.
It must truly be an object of awesome power.


Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show.
Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar.


Day 24:
Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately.
Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.


Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you,Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches.

So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them.
Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien.


Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them.

Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts.
Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?
Right?


Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle.
Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.


Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.
Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual.
He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side.

I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....
what?
Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.
Ooops.


Day Three:
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.


Day Four:
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...
Stupid Ring.


Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.


Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras."
"Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.


Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?


Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.
Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...
In other news, Gandalf died.


Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness.
Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git.
Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.
Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other.
Stupid Aragorn.


Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.
Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)
Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!


Day 35:
Killed by orcs.
Stupid orcs.

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS Part 2

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS Part 2

Day One:
Whee!


Day Two:
I like to run!


Day Three:
I look good when I run!


Day Four:
I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?


Day Six:
Is Gimli staring at my butt?


Day Seven:
No wonder he's always lagging behind.


Day Eight:
Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.


Day Nine:
Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.
Still prettiest.


Day Ten:
Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.


Day Eleven:
Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?


Day Twelve:
Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never date Gandalf.


Day Fifteen:
Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V. bitter.


Day Nineteen:
Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.


Day Twenty:
Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.


Day Twenty-seven:
Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!


Day Twenty-nine:
Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."
Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.


Day Twenty-Nine:
Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.


Day Thirty:
Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.
No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS Part 1

THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS Part 1

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano.
Very important mission - gold ring so tacky.


Day Four:
Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy human who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down.
Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.
Go me!


Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle.
Orcs so silly.
Still the prettiest.


Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more.
Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.


Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.
Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?
Still prettiest by far.


Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.
Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still the prettiest.


Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.
Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.


Day 35:
Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary.
Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me.
Cannot understand it.

Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting.
Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 2

Day One
Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.


Day Two
Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.


Day Three
Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'


Day Four
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.


Day Six
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, "Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?"
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.


Day Seven
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.


Day Nine
Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.


Day Twelve
Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been "You're late" or could have been "Throw me down and shag me rotten." Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.


Day Fourteen
Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.


Day Fourteen, Later
Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, "It's unbelievable!" about elf army. Was forced to agree --it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.


Day Fifteen
Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:

Dear Aragorn,

Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses, Faramir.

God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Part 1

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.


Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.


Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.


Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria.
Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.


Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.
Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?


Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.
Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.


Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me.
Saucy wench.
Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.


Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.
Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.
I think Legolas might be kinda gay.
Nope, not King.


Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.
Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.


Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.
Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?
Not so sure about me either.
Still not King, goddammit.