Telepathy.

DISCLAIMER: THE STORY BELOW IS PURE FICTION, ANY NAMES THAT ARE FAMILIAR IS PURE COINCIDENCE.

Telepathy, whether you're a believer or not, exists to a certain degree....

Or so some wise guy said.

Just so you know he's the same person who said this:

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A lame Joke a day keeps depression at bay!"

And something about flour that I don't remember....

Anyway this was a story about four people:

And so it goes...

---

Kumar, Salleh and Najed are good friends and classmates studying in the unglamorous School of Hemahtinggi in New Yolk town, near Beijing city, Malaysia.


One fateful day, Cik Santaclaus Rohini was enthusiastically teaching her students her favourite and most proficient subject, English in Science and Technology (EST).

Cik Rohini asked a question,

"Class listen. No, class, shush, listen to me, class, listen! Why when... CLASS! Why is it that when a lot of people go in a submarine, the submarine sinks to a depth of-"

A bewildered Kumar instinctively raised his hand.

Cik Rohini then said: "Class, this student here is really good, he raised his hands before I finished my, class listen, question. Class, you must learn from Kumar, class, he is a good student..."

Kumar: "Erm, teacher....."

Rohini: "Hold on, don't interrupt... Class, you must always react fast! Yes, Kumar?"

Kumar: "Is it because the submarine too heavy?"

Rohini: "NO, IT'S BECAUSE IT'S A SUBMARINE AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA!"


*Silence...*


Rohini: "Class, wasn't that funny?"


*Silence...Silence...Silence...Silence...Silence...*


Kumar: "Teacher. Can I go to the toilet please?"

Rohini: "Yes boy, you may go wherever you want. Cik Rohini is powerless to stop you, but please be careful and watch out for the discipline teachers and our new principal. He is very strictkkkk! Hold on boy, I think it's best you don't go yet, you might be troubled if you get caught."

Kumar: "But teacher, I can't stand it anymore, even the great king from tamadun Mesopotamia, Gilgamesh of Uruk, goes to the toilet. So does the son of the Sun God, Amon Re of tamadun Mesir Purba! And the list goes on! We need toilet!"

Rohini: "Oh... Ermm... Okay. Did you know toilet last time was just a hole dug into the ground! Look how technology helps! CLASS, KEEP QUIET!"

Kumar: "Teacher you got any questions?"

Rohini: "No."

Kumar: "You understand?"

Rohini: "Yes."

Kumar: "Then I know I got to go already."


Kumar quickly rushes off out of the class. HOWEVER. SHOCKINGLY!!!! Kumar stopped once away from sight, gave a smirk and said... "So easy...", and walked slowly, really slowly towards the toilet, wasting as much time as possible.

Cik Rohini was quick to continue her class, already asking another question. This time, Salleh was picked to answer.


Rohini: "What is the meaning of fatigue?"


Salleh answered in his usual squeaky voice.


Salleh: "The meaning of Physics? Mmmmhh.... Come from the Greek words "Physikos" that meant the study of nature."

Rohini: "Meant? Do you mean it is no longer the study of nature? What is it now? The study of furniture? And boy, you really have to brush up your English okay?"

Salleh: "Sorry, my language in England is not really good.... Can I go to the toilet? I got perut sakit."

Rohini: "Okay, go go go..."

Najed: "Allah, gila betultu, tentu pergi 'pak toh' dengan Kumar!"

Rohini: "English please? It's EST period."

Najed: "YALAH, EST UNTUK ENGLISH SANGAT TOUGH! BAHASA LEBIH BAIK!"


Meanwhile... Salleh walked out of class. To his surprise, he found Kumar still walking ever so slowly towards the toilet and caught up in like... two steps?


Najed: "AIYO CIKGU. GILA BETULLAH! SAYA PUN TAK PERCAYA TAPI SAYA NAMPAK MEREKA DUA PEGANG TANGAN! CIKGU BIAR SAYA PERGI CHECK!"

Rohini: "Betulkah? Itu perkara serius! Pengetua will be very furious! Okay baik, saya berikan tanggungjawab ini kepadamu."


And so, Najed rushed off as well. Like Salleh, he caught up in no time with the duo. The three of them sighed at the same time and sighed, whispering to one another: "Now that was easy!"

They headed to the toilet. And finally reached there after a 10 minutes long walk. There they chatted while pissing away.


Kumar: "Eh our teacher. Not so bright la."

Salleh: "Ya, she are a bit not smart."

Najed: "GILA BETULLAH!"

Kumar: "I hope she pisses in her pants."

Salleh: "Pisses in her pants? Mmmmh.... I very hopes so too."

Najed: "GILA BETULLAH!"


*Meanwhile*


Ah Beng: "CIK ROHINI, YOUR PANTS IS WET!"


[Thus ends the story of the four who telepathically pissed in their pants together.]


*****In conclusion, telepathy, to a certain degree, exists.

THE END.

Love Triangle.

Sam: LiQi, I have a confession to make. I am gay. Can you help me please. I have waited for far too long! Please help me gain my true love!!!




















Sam: SO COOL!!! LOOK AT HIS TAI LOU POSE! I'm gonna faint. AHhhhhHHhhHh~!




















Sam: Please help me... I'm just hanging on a rope now.... :'(

liQi: Err, Okay, I don't usually help gays, but alright. Who's your target?
















Sam: CHOONG HERN!!!!
















Heru: YES?

Waiwai: OOoh A camera!

Koks: ???
















liQi: I see.... Here's the plan...















(Wah, we finally get to spend some quality time together. Yay! ^^\/)

liQi: There's this guy called Lee Ming Hong... He's your rival.

Sam: WHAT!?!?!

liQi: No problem, I'll help you.


-----

(2 Days later, on a bus)

















Ming Hong: *sigh* If only Choong Hern was here....




















Heru: Hmmm, did he call me? :o Yean.... get off me, I need find someone...

Yean: Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

Heru: It's okay, you can sit on me another day... ;)















Heru: Ahhh........... Dream come true......... *drool*

Ming Hong: Finally together....

Sam (background): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooOOOOoOOoOOoo!!!

liQi *shouts* : WALAO HERU AND MH DAMN GAY!!!!!

Heru: *wakes up* Hmmm Hi darling, huh what? NO I'M NOT GAY!
















liQi: Ya, like we'll believe you.

Jou: I saw you doing this!!!

Dong: (This is too funny)...




















Heru: NO SUCH THING! NOT MINGHONG! *looks around* *sees Sam standing in the middle of nowhere*

Heru: NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT!

SAM: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!

Lost.

Good Journalism

A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.

The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”






I'm out of supplies of good jokes now. Hope that occupies you until I get back lol.

See you.

You'd better swim.

Screw Or Swim

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

and.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

Try saying.

Great memo from Management

TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

That's Once.

Long Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

Understanding Engineers: 8 in 1.

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."



Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these people? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The priest said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George, what's the matter that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there is anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Replied the architect and artist. "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

One day, an engineer was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


coppied from da.com

Even more jokes: Shit my pants.

Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I shit in my pants.

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

... And he turned gay.

A guy got lost in forest and is unable to locate the exit leading to his home. Feeling very tired and hungry, he said to him self he will not survive in the forest,but alas he found a house in the forest that could be his last hope to survive & so he went directlly in the front of the door and begged that he be given some food & drinks. Then an old man went out and help him. They went inside old man`s house and gave him an excellent meal. During the dinner, they conversed.

Guy: Thank you for your kindness. even though we are not familiar to each other you still showed compassion to me.
Old Guy: Tis nothing my friend. I can also set you up for the evening and tomorrow you can continue with whatever you were doing here in the 1st place.
Guy: Thank you kind sir!
Old Guy: HOWEVER! IF YOU DARE SO MUCH AS TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, I WILL GIVE YOU THE 3 WORST TORTURE EVER!!!!

The guy just said ok and continued eating, thinking that the daughter would be as old as his host but ALAS! the daughter came down from her room and is very beautiful, innocent in look and yet voluptuous in form (yummy!) The guy cannot stop glancing at her and from his "manly instinct" he could say that the girl likes him as well. Remembering the old man's advice, he proceeded to his room and tried to sleep.

Then at midnight, he still could not resist teh temptation, so he sneaked out of his room and went to the daughter's room for a night of passion. He was very careful in keeping everything quiet and he went back to his room to avoid suspicion.

The next morning, he woke up to find a huge rock on top of his chest with a note, " TORTURE #1, HUGE ROCK ON TOP OF PERVERT'S CHEST"

The guy laughed and said, " This is pretty lame! If this is his so-called torture, then I have nothing to worry about then!". HE lifted the heavy rock with both hands and threw it out of the window. Then he noticed that there was another note attached to the rock, " TORTURE #2, BIG ROCK OVER tHE PER VERTS CHEST IS TIED TO PERVERT'S RIGHT TESTICLE". He panicked and looked down to check on the rock falling down at an alarming speed. Thinking that a few broken bones is way better that castration, he jumped out of the window to follow the rock. Then to his surprise, he saw a huge note wriiten on the ground.

" TORTURE #3, LEFT TESTICLE OF PERVERT TIED TO BEDPOST"

The Preacher.

The Preacher’s Horse Racing exploits

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Soap and Paper

Chinese Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Owned.

Ugly Bus

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.


The guy calms down and says:




" Make 'em all ugly again."

The saddest thing.

Swollen

Don't laugh!" said the patient

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied.

Philosophy.

Eccentric Professor


An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words:








"What chair?"

Dumb, dumb blonde.

A Blonde's Year in Review


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

* I didn't write this. Found it on forum.